Dr Sarah J Buckley, homebirther, wise woman, and mother of four, opens our minds and hearts to what we know as a truth. Cosleeping with our children is not only nurturing but it is a practical and safe custom, practised by families for millennia.
Imagine this. Your baby is two weeks old, and you have finally settled her to sleep for the night in her cot, in the newly painted nursery next to your room. You are awakened from a short, but deep sleep, by distressed crying, and you stagger out of bed. You turn on the lamp and pick up her up. She is red-faced and too loud for that time of the morning, and her crying has awoken your partner, who you can hear sighing loudly next door.
After a few minutes, you calm her and persuade her to breast feed. After some time, just as you are about to nod off yourself, she falls off the breast contentedly. Slowly and carefully - you are more awake now, appreciating the delicacy of this manoeuvre - you slide her into the cot. Only two steps away from the door, and she wimpers. As you turn the door handle, she cries sofly, and then inceasingly loudly. Your partner, angel that he is, comes in bleary eyed and offers to walk the corridor with her, which he does for 15 minutes before putting her gently back in her cot.
“Welcome to parenthood”, your friends say, but you can’t accept that, or the bone-aching tiredness. Then one day, you discover that you can actually feed her lying down. The next day, as you feel her nestling up against you on the sofa, you begin to wonder if you could feed her like this in bed at night. Your partner is sceptical, and you don’t tell anyone else. After a few nights, you realise that, if your baby starts the night with you, you don’t actually need to get out of bed at all. Your partner is pleased to be hardly disturbed, because you attend to her before she cries, and you feel decidedly brighter in the morning too.
Congratulations. You have rediscovered co-sleeping.
For the millions of years of our human evolution, mothers have slept with their babies; it is what we are adapted for, physiologically, hormonally and emotionally. The warmth of our bodies, our vigilance even in deep sleep (actually, a breastfeeding, co-sleeping mother spends less time in deep sleep) the easy access to our breast and the synchronising of sleep cycles all provide an optimal night-time environment for our babies.
These benefits are confirmed by the elegant research done by James McKenna, Professor of Anthropology at University of Notre Dame, Indiana, US and his colleagues, (McKenna,J., Mosko,S 1990) who invited 35 mother-baby pairs into a sleep research laboratory, and monitored overnight their sleep patterns as they slept together or in separate rooms. They found that, not only did co-sleeping pairs get into the same sleep cycles, but that babies who co-slept experienced more frequent “arousals”, triggered by the mother’s movements, and spent less time in deep sleep.
As a researcher in SIDS, Prof McKenna believes that these low-level arousals, which did not actually awaken either partner, give the baby practice in arousing itself, and may lessen a baby’s susceptibility to some forms of SIDS which are thought to be caused when a baby fails to arouse from deep sleep to re-establish breathing patterns. (McKenna,J.,Bernshaw,N. 1995)
Professor McKenna speculates our young are not developmentally prepared to “sleep through” in a solitary bed, involving, as this does, long periods of deep sleep. (McKenna,J.,Bernshaw,N. 1995)
Videos taken during the study showed that co-sleeping mothers, even in deep sleep, seemed aware of their baby’s position, and moved when necessary to avoid over-laying. At no time in the study did co-sleeping mothers impede the breathing of their babies, who had higher average oxygen levels than solitary sleepers.
Although there is no direct evidence to prove Professor McKenna’s theories, some of the lowest rates of SIDS are found amongst cultures where co-sleeping is predominant. (McKenna, J., Bernshaw, N. 1995)
In fact, on a word-wide basis, co-sleeping is very much the norm. (Small, 1998) Even in western cultures, bed sharing between mother and nursing baby (usually up to two) was standard practice up until around 150 years ago. Older children would co-sleep with siblings, with a member of the extended family or, for the upper classes, with a servant or nurse-maid.(Thevenin, 1996)
The 1800s saw the rise of the child-rearing expert - usually male - who emphasised self-reliance from an early age, with strict guidelines for breastfeeding, toilet training and sleep. Newborns were expected to sleep with their mother, but they were to be removed to an unshared room before the age of one.(Thevenin, 1996)
With the industrial revolution in the late 1800s, the extended family began to splinter. Mother became solely responsible for the house and children, and the need for children who required little of her time became paramount. The rise of the germ theory, where the populace was warned not to breathe the air of another, led to a further emphasis on separate sleeping. (Thevenin, 1996)
Later this century, smaller and increasingly affluent families began to build houses with separate sleeping quarters so that each child could sleep alone. The myth arose that “cot-death” was caused by mothers over-laying and smothering their babies, which further frightened mothers away from co-sleeping. (Thevenin, 1996)
Thankfully, there has been a recent turn-around, and many parents feel more comfortable about sleeping with their babies. Books such as Tine Thevenin’s classic, The Family Bed (Avery, 1993), have helped to dispel some of the myths around co-sleeping. The most stubborn concern, that of safety, has also been addressed, with recent western studies showing that co-sleeping does not increase SIDS risk unless co-sleeping parents smoke or use alcohol or drugs (National SIDS Council, 1997).
However, our soft western bedding may offer more hazards than that of other cultures. Co-sleeping parents need to ensure that their baby’s face or head does not become covered by bedding ( pillows or quilts can cause problems), that the baby cannot sink into an overly soft mattress - water beds are not recommended - and that the baby does not become entrapped, especially in a face-down position. (AAP 1997, National SIDS Council, 1997)
Co-sleeping is safe, satisfying and pleasurable; and its fun to wake up to a cute smile in the mornings. Co-sleeping does not guarantee a full nights sleep - in fact, in McKenna’s studies, co-sleeping babies fed more often, (although the mothers usually underestimated this) - but, in my experience, waking several times from light sleep is less tiring than the panic and disruption of being woken from deep sleep.
Personally, I have also particularly enjoyed the night-time intimacy with my second and third babies, for whom day times are shared with siblings. Perhaps I have also relaxed, and stopped counting the night wakings, knowing that it passes in its own time and that satisfying my babies needs is an investment which pays rich dividends.
References;
American Academy of Pediatrics Does Bedsharing affect the risk of SIDS? Pediatrics 1997:100(2);272
McKenna, J. J., Mosko, S. Evolution and infant sleep: An experimental study of infant-parent
co-sleeping and its implications for SIDS. Acta Paediatrica Supplement 1993 ;389:31-36
McKenna, J. J., Bernshaw, N. J. Breastfeeding and infant-parent co-sleeping as adaptive strategies: are they protective against SIDS? In Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives.
Stuart-Macadam, P. and Dettwyler, K.A. (eds) Aldine de Gruyter, 1995
Reducing the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS); Scientific literature to support the recommendations of the Forum to review the risk factors for SIDS, convened by the National SIDS Council of Australia, Melbourne, March 1997.
Small, Meredith E. Our Babies, Ourselves : How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent 1998 Doubleday. Excerpt published in Mothering
No 91. Nov/Dec 1998
Thevenin, Tine The Family Bed: An Age-old Concept in Child Rearing Avery 1986
Thevenin Tine In Support of the Family Bed. Mothering No 84. Oct/Nov/Dec 1996
Woolridge, M.W. Baby-controlled breastfeeding: biocultural implications. In Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives. Stuart-Macadam, P. and Dettwyler, K.A. (eds) 1995 Aldine de Gruyter.
About the Author...
Sarah J Buckley is a GP, internationally published writer on pregnancy birth and mothering, and currently full-time mother to her 4 children, aged 13 to 3. Her book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering is magnificent.
Jul 6th, 2004 at 5:51 am
I like the idea of co-sleeping but at what point do you move a child into their own bed and how do you go about “making” siblings with a baby/child in your bed??
Jul 21st, 2004 at 3:49 pm
Good questions, Rowena!
Well, in many cultures, and historically, people always slept with someone else. Solitary sleeping is a peculiar western anomoly, due to our wealth, which allows us to have separate bedrooms and warm beds, and our emphasis on independence. Even in our culture, older children slept with siblings or carers 100 years ago- see The family Bed by Tine Thevenin for more detail.
AS for making those decisions, that is totally up to the parents/family. Having a baby in bed doesn’t mean you have to commit to co-sleeping longer-term, eg I co-slept with my first, and moved her into a cot about 6 months then her own bedroom around 1 yo. My others have co-slept for longer.
I also know many families who don’t intentionally co-sleep, but who are open to night visitors and this is very common among toddlers and preschoolers, for whom nights can be long and very dark… Its very sweet giving a child a hug and comfort in at night, too.
Re sex with co-sleeping children, I am comfortable with a sleeping baby in bed (they will often wake at the worst time anyway, no matter how far away they are).I believe that it is actually beneficial and again, how it is in most places- you can read another similar opinion in the book The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff. And there are other interesting places for amourous trysts, and other times, too. I notice that co-sleeping families are often quite large, as is ours, so it’s obviously not a big problem!
Hope this helps
Blessings
Sarah
Nov 23rd, 2004 at 3:15 am
I have 3 children (now aged 14, 6 and our baby who is 14 months). All of them have slept the whole night through (8hours) since we came home from hospital. With my first daughter - cosleeping was due to the fact I was exhausted, it was winter and cold and it seemed the easiest thing to do. When she was about 3 months old I started reading up on this ‘cosleeping’ thing - as soooo many people were telling me how bad I was for having the baby sleep with us.
The more I read, the more I listened to myself and saw how happy she was, the more i knew that co sleeping was the RIGHT thing.
She stayed in our bed till she was 2 - when she decided that she wanted a special bed!. Our son (who is now nearly 7) stayed in our bed up until 5. He had his own room with his own bed (he would sleep in his bed prolly 2 nights/and the rest in ours). Our youngest daughter who is 14 months has only ever slept in our bed.
We love it - and yes we have a fabulous sex life thats not interrupted by sleeping kids. The other thing that is great - with both of us working, we love the closeness we have with the kids. Our son sometimes comes in and jumps into bed - or makes a makeshift bed on the floor of our room. Even the eldest - who is all too mature and grownup at 14 - comes in and sleeps with me when her dad is away on business.
On the bed front and comfort from. Buy a king. You will never feel uncomfortable even with a 6 yo and baby and 2 grownups in the bed!
Dec 18th, 2004 at 5:54 pm
Thnaks for your lovely story Molly. Your children are very lucky to have an open and responsive Mum!
This is tricky, Claire, and there are several ways to look at it.
Firstly, I notice that households do seem to revolve around the youngest member, and I think that’s just how it is. However, this is not an excuse for tyranny! I’m sure that your friend has her hands very full with 5 children (and I know that we tend to go on the ‘easiest’ path when we are busy), but she will have to set some limits with her child, and teach her to be respectful of her mother’s needs, for her child’s sake as well as her own.
Personally I had this problem mostly with my first child, and I found the book Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon to be a great help. It’s basically about being respectful but assertive with our children, and I like this appoach because it doesn’t use punishment, rewards, praise, star charts, or even consistency. It’s about being emotionally real. Look for it in your public library, or, even better, do the course, which is run all round Australia. I have written more about this in an article called The foundations of gentle discipline in the previous edition of Natural Parenting, (number 8, Spring 200 see http://www.naturalparenting.com.au for back issues)
The second approach that I have fnd helpful is from US author and psychologist Aletha Solter. She offers some wonderful tools to help children release emotions. I have found that tyrranical toddlers often just need emotional release, and time to cry (being held or close to a loving parent). This is especially good for fiery children, but I believe that we all can benefit (adults included!) You can read her material at http://www.awareparenting.com (which includes my favourite-ever article on discipline, called The disadvantages of time out)
Her books are Tears and Tantrums (probably the best for your friend), The Aware Baby and Helping Young Children to Flourish, available from http://www.natureschild.com.au, or see the latest issue of Natural parenting http://www.naturalparenting.com.au for some articles about her approach.
Aletha is also touring Australia in early Febuary- see below for contacts
email susan@naturalparenting.com.au or Marion at cloud9@mullumonline.net
I hope this is helpful
Blessings
Sarah
May 16th, 2005 at 6:42 am
“I’m reminded of a debate the famous pediatrician Robert Mendelsohn, MD had with a psychiatrist. The panelist asked them about the Family Bed (everyone sleeping together). “It’s a terrible idea,” said the psychiatrist. “I’d never sleep with my children. It fosters dependency, it confuses them sexually, it’s just plain wrong.” The moderator asked if Dr. Mendelsohn would care to respond. “I agree with the psychiatrist,” said Dr. Mendelsohn. “Psychiatrists should not sleep with their children. But for everyone else, it’s just wonderful. I gives infants the warmth and security they seek. It enhances emotional health and it brings the family closer.”–Ted Koren DC
Feb 15th, 2006 at 12:26 am
Im confused about what to make of my 8 year old step son sleeping in his mothers bed. He does not have a room or bed of his own, where as his 9 year old sister does, and has been diagnosed with autism. Our concern is that with his developmental problems he faces already , this might be further hindering his progress…He sleeps well and seems to enjoy his own bed and room at our house, but apparently becomes violent and upset if his mother tries to have him sleep away from her…. is there different ideas with children affected with autism??? Jade, Vic
Feb 15th, 2006 at 11:53 am
It is interesting that your stepson’s mother has chosen to continue to support and connect with him at night (and not his sister), and I would guess that, consciously or instinctively, she is trying to help him connect, and stay connected and relating to others, which is the primary problem for autistic people in society.It would be interesting to talk to her about this. I would conclude that this is a positive and perhaps healing situation.
Please also be reassured that sleeping with an older child is not pathological, and does not hinder any progress. It is normal in most parts of the world, and has been normal through the vast majority of human history, for members of a family, tribe or village to share sleep.
For our ancestors, this was vital for safety- even an 8yo and certainly a younger child, would have been in danger for their lives, if they had slept alone outdoors. The urge to be in a safe situation at night (which, for a child means the presence of an adult) is hard-wired into our brains, and especially our babies and children’s brains, which is why they will protest at being left alone at night, and why we have so many ’sleep problems’ in our culture.
Thanks for your thoughtful question, and for your concern for your stepson.
Feb 15th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
Sarah’s new book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering is filled with wonderful information like this and all written in Sarah’s friendly, compassionate style.
In ancient Chinese culture.. and still today children commonly sleep with the elderly in the family. It is said to be good for the child as well as the health of the aging grandparent-the child’s excess energy is ’soaked up’ by granny at night.
Jul 1st, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Great article Sarah!
Our dd is 14 months old and we cosleep. It has been brilliant! We have not had 1 night with a crying baby!
Just warm milky cuddles all night long!! Our dd has access to breastfeeding 24 hours a day however she has started sleeping through the night even with a breast within reach!
We can’t wait to add another to our bed!